Happiness is January in My Rear View Mirror

Wow what an eventful month.

It started with a fever on New Years Day which ended up causing me to be hospitalized for eight days.  During this time I was not only left dehydrated (how does that happen in a hospital?) but, due to the five or six different antibiotics they administered via IV, with a gut which was left devoid of any beneficial bacteria to aid in digestion.  Brother I am here to tell you that you DO want those probiotics in your system because without them I blew up like a balloon with much gas and not just a little pain.

The dehydration issue was addressed at my next doctors appointment via three liters of IV fluids, but I guess it takes a lot more time to fully recover than just the time to get fluids back in you.  I am still suffering some fatigue from this.

Then last Sunday, January 27, my dad passed away.  Dealing with making arrangements and hosting family and friends to celebrate his life and his passing was the final blow to my stamina.  I am a wreck.  I came back to work after three days off because I thought it best to try to get back into the normal flow as soon as I could, but I struggle to make it through the day.  I cannot sleep, still suffer gas when I eat and have fatigue that is beginning to feel like the dehydration fatigue.  If I let myself get dehydrated again, my oncologist is going to be furious.

Those chemotherapy infusions each two weeks sure make it more difficult to try to get back to even with everything.  I just can’t seem to catch up.

I need a break, I need something to go my way.  January fading into February may be just the ticket.

Where Have All The Good Days Gone?

After a particularly brutal weekend following my latest round of treatment, I find myself back at work unrefreshed in the least.  I had the center delay my next round by a week, so I have two more weeks before the next round instead of one.  Those extra days will come following Christmas, and I’m relying on them to be enjoyable.  I get the feeling they’re going to be some of the last enjoyable days I have.

Experience with a Son’s Frustration

Lucky me I have already been through the frustrations of one son who’s getting kind of a raw deal, because that experience has been so valuable to me as son #2 goes through the same frustrations.  I can say without a doubt that…

…I remain completely frustrated by the situation as I did with son #1 because there is NOTHING I can do about it that will improve things.

Life isn’t fair.

That is a true life lesson, but it doesn’t help the frustrated son who is patiently waiting his chance and trying to understand what the plan is.  That frustrates me too.  All he wants is a chance, and you cannot wait forever because these things pass and never come again.  But that’s the very definition of “life isn’t fair”.

I’ve seen it plenty with other kids, too.  Doesn’t hurt as much, but I’ve still seen it.  And sometimes later the kid does get a chance in a different venue and proves how worthy they were all along, and that makes a great story. But it still doesn’t bring back the missed opportunity already passed.  It can be kind of a “see, I told you so” moment, but the opportunities that have him and me frustrated are still gone forever.

Knowing that anything you say, anything you do, only makes things worse is a tough lesson for a parent.  Some don’t learn it. Sad to say I’m afraid some have actually benefited in the short term from “doing something about it”, but in the long run it has always made things worse in my opinion.

Some will say these experiences build character.  Well, maybe, but I’m of the mind they actually REVEAL the character you’ve already got.  And I can confirm it takes some amount of will power to go along with that character to just let things play out and hope against hope that someone else will see what you see before it’s too late.

For son #1, he stuck it out, waited longer than he should have had to wait, and in the long run was blessed with a special person recognizing he deserved the opportunity.  That opportunity turned into a wonderful journey of proving himself, rising to the occasion and having the character to realize it was sufficient that he knew he’d finally been given the chance and excelled beyond everyone else’s expectations.  Not beyond his expectations though, because he knew deep inside he  could do this.

My prayer is that this same path lies ahead for son #2.  He has it within himself.  He just needs a chance.

Not What I Was Hoping to Hear

Well today’s oncology visit was a kick in the seat of the pants.  Once again a therapy I’m trying showed very promising early results only to quit working within a matter of a few months.  Each time this happens, I’m a little further down that slippery slope I don’t want to be on.

So again we change therapies, this time to a “really expensive one” to quote the nurses.  What in the world did they think what I was already on was, discount?  The insurance company is going to love this.

And the double whammy, it includes going back on a chemotherapy with major side effects.  Plus it includes both a pump and two consecutive days of in house infusion.    Every two weeks.  Yay me.

Each blow I take in each of these setbacks seems like more than I can handle, but so far I’ve managed..somehow. But my reserve of resolve runs low.

Pet Peeves

Here are a couple both from ONE call just today:

  • People who ask you a question then cut you off in the middle of the answer and start explaining what the problem with the answer is, when they haven’t heard the answer.  Patience grasshopper.
  • People who have to repeatedly have a problem I have discovered with their data/process explained to them, then when the lightbulb finally comes on for them they feel the need to call and “explain to me” what I told them.  Duh.

We seriously need a heavy bag around here…

Rain At Last

It has been a LONG time since we’ve seen rain this widespread across the South Plains of West Texas.  I suppose it’s just about the time that cotton farmers actually don’t want it, but I’m finding it hard to quit looking at the radar it’s so beautiful.

Just like the old days, fair week = cold rainy weather.  LOL.

Never in 50 Years….

Got a letter from Dad’s Medicare Part D plan yesterday about a script that will be supplied short term but needs prior authorization from the physician to be approved long term, and that it was my responsibility to see to that.

So I followed their instructions and called the physician to see what we need to do.

“Never in fifty years of doing this have I been called by the family for a Rx rejection.”, the doctor’s office stated.

Well aren’t I special.

According to the doctor, plans and pharmacies work these things out with the doctor’s office, not the patient’s responsible party.  Hey, I got the letter.  I did what it said or Dad doesn’t get the meds.  She almost made me feel like I was wrong in making that call.

Or maybe this is another small wonderful part of our evolving healthcare plan in this country.  You know, “patient driven healthcare”.

Worse yet, the first place I called which was the nurse at the home my Dad is in didn’t know what a formulary was.

Deer lard, help us all.